Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Still Images

The other day I was talking to one of my girls as we watched a movie in our tiny TV room. She said: "mom, I remember this room when I was little being so much bigger than what it really is" I smiled and said: "Yeah, everything seems so much bigger when you are a little girl".  I couldn't help but to go back in time to when I was a little girl myself, and for a while  lived with my mom on the second floor of a two family home in Providence, Rhode Island. I remember the house being huge and the staircase to our place unending. I loved playing under the apple tree in the backyard and at times imagined that the house, that in my sight stood so tall, was a magical castle and that I was the princess that lived there.  I truly had great memories of that house.  A while later we left and moved to the Bronx in NY when my parents got back together one of the many times they'd split up. I never returned to RI after that until years later when my girls were still very young that we went to reunite with my siblings and visit my dad that had moved back there again after he and my mom called it quits once and for all.  I had such vivid images in my head of how things were and when I talked about them, my description was based on the still images that remained in my head of that time. During my visit my dad took me sight seeing and we passed by the old house. I cannot explain the mixed feelings of surprise, disappointment, dismay and deception that filled my heart when I saw with disbelief  that things were not as I remembered. Not because anything had really changed, but because I was now seeing the house with the eyes of an adult, without the fantasy of a child's mind. It was simpler, smaller and not as enchanting as I believed it was  for many years.  I argued with my dad and said that that was not the place, and he assured me that it was, a bit more run down perhaps. When I had the conversation with my daughter it reminded me of that and I realized that we all have had in some way this experience. It's also happened to me with people, such as family and  friends  that I had stopped seeing for decades. I only have the time I spent with them as the memory of who they were and it has been disappointing at times to see that life experiences have changed who they are to me, but I also have to remind myself that I too have changed in their eyes. Memories are just that and should be remembered as what they are, bringing a smile to our hearts if they were good memories or serving as something we learned if they were sad.  I'm learning to live the wonderful now my Lord has given me with my not so perfect family and to leave the memories where they belong as well as the future that has not yet arrived. I have a husband that loves sports more than he should, but that loves me unconditionally and is constantly reminding me of it. That makes me feel like the most wonderful and most beautiful woman in the world, a man that is always eager to hear what I have to say and accepts me with all of my hang ups. A man that is a true example of what a dad should be. I have two crazy daughters that couldn't be more opposite despite of being brought up exactly the same way. I thank God for the hard times with them because it has made us grow as a family and them as individuals. Let's live our present life, loving and investing in those that are in our lives today. Lets leave our childhood, adolescence, old friends or old loves in the past  as something wonderful that we lived, but that is not part of our today. They are just still images of memories of our years, and let's not worry too much about tomorrow because it just doesn't belong to us.

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